Debating the Merits of Latke Toppings
When Chanukkah (or Hanukkah or Chanukka or Hanukah or Hchakannkukcahh or however you would like to spell it) rolls around every year, a fiery debate always arises between my close friends and family. This simple question has for years created a deep divide in the Jewish community.
No, I’m not referring to politics or the existence of God. I’m talking about latke toppings: sour cream vs. applesauce. I will be investigating this intense debate and discovering which topping is superior to bridge the gap once and for all.
Some quick context for all you goyim (that’s Yiddish for “non-Jews”); a latke is a potato pancake fried in oil. Us Jews eat them every Chanukkah to commemorate the oil that lit the eternal flame for eight days straight in the Synagogue of Jerusalem.
Objectively, applesauce is a far superior topping for latkes, as it does not overpower the naturally delicious taste of the potato pancake (unlike certain other topping). The flavors complement each other perfectly, blending together to create a wonderful texture in the mouth. However, I might be just a little bit biased, so I went and interviewed my family to see if the preference runs in my genes.
“I enjoy both, but sour cream is better. It creates a better counterpoint to the hot crispiness of the latke,” my father said, completely wrong. Sour cream creates too much of a counterpoint and takes away from the joy of eating a fresh, hot latke.
When pressed for an interview, my brother, answered with merely “sour cream.” I was shocked and upset by how much my family had let me down on the topic.
Finally, I had some hope from my mother when she answered with “both at the same time,” an innovative idea that, while not as good as pure applesauce, isn’t as bad as pure sour cream, either.
Then, I decided to poll my Jewish acquaintances. I attended my friend Sylvia’s Chanukkah party one weekend full of many Jews. When asked, she shouted “Applesauce!” We could still be friends, thank God. When pressed for reasoning, she said, “It’s good. It’s sweet. It’s not evil. Sour cream on latkes is WRONG.
One of her friends, who requested to remain anonymous, simply showed me her instagram bio as a response: “We are applesauce stans first and Jews second.” That encapsulates all of my feelings on the topic.
Finally, for a wild card that would probably be inaccurate and insignificant to the results of this investigation, I asked my goyishe friends their opinions, even if they had never eaten any latkes before.
One goy, Inès Dupupet, texted me back immediately. “I’m not sure if I’ve had any [latkes]... Regardless, sour cream for sure. This should not be a debate,” she wrote. Dupupet has most likely never consumed any latkes, therefore she has no human right to declare such an egregious opinion on latke toppings with such certainty. This essential debate’s focal point is about the topping paired with the latke, not just the superiority of a certain topping with anything else.
Another one of my goy-ish friends, Nora Lavins, wrote “Uhhhh, sour cream?” The question mark at the end of her statement displays how absolutely wrong she is about everything. Nothing more needs to be said.
In conclusion, the debate between applesauce and sour cream on latkes will continue on for eternity and will be passed from generation to generation. The fact that there is such an intense debate is emblematic of a common phrase about the Jewish people: “Ask two Jews and get three opinions.”
No matter what you decide to put on top of them, latkes are still the best holiday food by far. We should try our best to be tolerant of those in our community with completely wrong opinions. However, applesauce is still far superior and anybody who says otherwise is the worst.
by MIRIAM ABRAMS