Bidding War
Ladies and gentlemen, students and friends, it is time for an auction. Seniors have awaited this moment with bated breath for most of their high school life, if not their entire childhood. In fact, some have forfeited basic human necessities: who even needs sleep or social interactions when you have a chance to win?
Presenting…college! This all encompassing 4-year experience offers a chance to live off two dollar ramen (!), attend sweat-stained fraternity parties (!), get foot fungus from the communal showers (!), and … earn a degree I guess.
The auctioning-room is grim. Students hunch over in their seats. Frequently, the frantic type of keyboards breaks the heavy silence as students scan Reddit (r/ApplyingToCollege) and CollegeConfidential for “Chance-me” posts. Some vehemently whisper under their breath, “if they can get in, so can I.” Others silently weep with regret that they didn’t start yet another non-profit during their high school career. Only the triple-legacies and recruited athletes are smiling; they are considered the kings of the school. Love ‘em or hate ‘em, you’ve got to admit you want to be them.
The curtains open and an audible gasp wipes the entire room. An admissions officer steps forward on stage, holding a copper plaque inscribed with the name of every top-20 college.
“Who wants a chance to go to one of these schools?” he asks, his cold, twisted smile glistening in the spotlight.
The room erupts. Students claw at each other, screaming for the AO to glance their way; to choose them.
“Not so fast! Let’s start the bidding at $70,000 annually.”
Nearly every student puts their paddle up. What’s crippling student debt when you can get validation from your parents?
The AO looks gleefully at the crowd of eager faces.
“Let’s narrow this down. Who is willing to pay another 10 grand for a college counselor? This is the perfect opportunity to pay a person whose only personality is their ivy-league degree to ruthlessly berate your procrastination. Pay up!”
About half the student’s paddles remain up. The bidding continues, round after round: more and more paddles go down as people break into noisy sobs.
“Who is willing to pay $500 to be president of a STEM club?”
“Who is willing to buy a Chegg membership so you can cheat on every single one of your homeworks and exams?”
“Who is willing to waste a week to read college-essays that ‘worked’ (really meaning they got into that old, ivy-covered college in Cambridge?)”
“Who is willing to sacrifice their pride and dignity by claiming they started a company, when they really just made a shitty website?”
While it is true that the majority of kids have put their paddles down, faces etched with dejection, there is still a sizable amount of survivors. They whisper excitedly to one another, beaming at the thought of their victory.
The AO grins before quickly rectifying himself and putting on a front of sympathy and pain.
“Seniors, I am so disappointed to tell you, but unfortunately we can not take in all of the bidders. We have to revert to randomness.” A collective gasp sweeps over the room. The AO rapidly jabs his finger in different directions in the air. “Umm… let’s see. Let’s take you, you, the one in the back, the one in front of me, and… what the hell! I’m feeling generous. Let’s take you as well.”
The AO steps out of the spotlight, and the curtains close. Only few have remained satisfied in the cut-throat bidding war. But outside this cold, vicious world of college-admissions there lies a place few have heard of, let alone seen. A world where kids go out on the weekend, have fun in school, and touch grass. A world where a B+ on a test is not earth-shattering. A world where kids have hobbies- - real hobbies, not just “passions” to put on their college applications. But perhaps this place is just a myth, a made-up fantasy… like Stanford.
BY ANONYMOUS