Prom Season Woes Strike Again

BREAKING NEWS: certain dress colors have just been outlawed for further purchase during this year’s prom season. At the forefront of the banned hues is a deep green that compliments the warmth and coolness of many skin tones. The news that too many seniors have purchased green prom dresses and have subsequently declared the color off-limits has brought many seniors to tears.

“I’ve dreamt of wearing a sea green mermaid dress to prom since before I could even talk,” Laasya Chiduruppa said tearfully, “that dream has been shattered.”

“It’s horrible,” said Audrey Creighton, a sophomore observer. “The carnage is just terrible. You can’t take away someone’s aspirations like that. It’s just too cruel.”

Outlawed dress colors aren’t the only annual tragedy that has struck prom season this year. A prom-related phobia is reported to be becoming quite prevalent among over half of the senior and junior student body. Some have dubbed it the “I-Have-No-Rhythm” Phenomenon; others call it the “Danza-phobia”.

“Every night, I wake up in a puddle of cold sweat just thinking about it,” said Julia Arnold, a senior with a non-deep-green dress, on the subject. “I can’t dance. It’s just not possible. And yet, I want to go to prom…How can I possibly go to prom without being able to dance? It’s kept me shivering in my sleep for months now—it’s just a terrible dilemma!”

A terrible dilemma, indeed. The “Danceless Conundrum” has been clinically diagnosed in over half the student body, whether they are conscious of its presence, or not. Some psychologists postulate it is a branch of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, also known as PTSD, resulting from the severe trauma of middle school “socials”, which many now remember as the most horrifyingly awkward moments of their lives. Some fear the “Danz-phobia” is contagious and may mushroom into an epidemic—or worse. There is a slim possibility of an approaching Danza-phobia pandemic, which could result in billions worldwide experiencing a terrifying fear of hopping to a good beat.

by HALEY CREIGHTON